Who is the scariest character Hollywood has ever made?
*For anyone under the age of twenty-five who has never seen or heard of the movie ‘Labyrinth’, it was made in 1986 and was the most terrifying film I can ever recall seeing as a kid. Mind you, I just watched the trailer of it on IMDb and it still scares the shit out of me. The movie has a creepy David Bowie play the role of the Goblin King, Jareth - don’t picture a ‘Lord of the Rings’-style goblin, just picture David Bowie in drag... which is scary enough - who kidnaps a baby boy from a fifteen-year-old Jennifer Connelly (who is babysitting at the time). To get the toddler back, Bowie makes her go through a perilous labyrinth. And the catch is, if she doesn’t complete the labyrinth in under thirteen hours, he is going to keep the kid and turn him into a goblin. Trust me, it’s even creepier than it sounds. In fact, forget about Hannibal Lecter, Michael Myers, and the creepy sociopath Javier Bardem plays in ‘No Country for Old Men’; David Bowie as King Jareth is easily the scariest character Hollywood has ever come up with. And if you don’t believe me, either watch the movie or check out the trailer, and you will agree that you’d rather run into Javier Bardem with a captive bolt pistol and compressed air tank in a dark alley than David Bowie as King Jareth.
The point I am trying to get across is that the folder containing your porn should be stored so deep within your computer’s hard drive that it would be practically impossible for someone to find, so much so that if David Bowie had made Jennifer Connelly complete this as her task instead of the labyrinth, he’d be raping that toddler in no time at all. (Oh, wait a sec, he was going to turn the toddler into a goblin... that’s right. My apologies. Now that I am viewing the movie through the eyes of an adult, I just assumed that ‘I’ll turn him into a goblin’ was a metaphor for something else.)
The point I am trying to get across is that the folder containing your porn should be stored so deep within your computer’s hard drive that it would be practically impossible for someone to find, so much so that if David Bowie had made Jennifer Connelly complete this as her task instead of the labyrinth, he’d be raping that toddler in no time at all. (Oh, wait a sec, he was going to turn the toddler into a goblin... that’s right. My apologies. Now that I am viewing the movie through the eyes of an adult, I just assumed that ‘I’ll turn him into a goblin’ was a metaphor for something else.)
Who is the scariest character Hollywood has ever made?
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Available in digital form for $2.99 on: iTunes, Amazon, Google Play, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and more.
For other pop-culture excerpts click here